Revelation Report 6
I’m a survivor. I have gone through a lot of trauma and hardship and come out the other side. That I can say that means I can identify something (many somethings) traumatic that has happened to me as “in the past”. Not all of me has caught up to the present moment. There are fragments that are still stuck in survival mode as if i’m still enduring but at least now I can talk about those parts of me as something suffering from symptoms rather than living a life identified by those parts.
My life during the corona crisis has been revelatory in that my daily experience directly activates all these old hurts and traumas but in new ways. I’ve defaulted to a very familiar survival mode in the face of an oppressive emotional situation. I have been sad and angry that I have to be in this familiar place again, using survival tools that are all too familiar. I still barely drink alcohol. I eat healthy and light. I exercise every day. I lay in the sun and watch the herons and wild parakeets. I clean the house, shop and do the chores to keep our home life clean and positive. The life I learned to live and the life I have to live right now are very similar in my experience and I know that I will survive this intact and then some. I don’t feel like my life is on hold.
Not to say there isn’t a shadow side because there is. I am less angry and resentful that the life I’ve lived happened this way as I am that the very things i’ve done to succeed to this point also feel like debilitating handicaps in trying to live a life beyond. How do I live a life that embraces what I’ve accomplished and who I’ve become and also let go of that self, that ego to experience life anew? Maybe I’m asking myself a trick question. Maybe this is just more ego escapism arising from the very resentment I say is in the past. This isn’t a detached mental exercise for me.. .these questions are a source anguish and anger and even bitterness and intense discovery and hope. I do a good job of managing those emotions that I see take over so many my age.
The older I get the more I see I’m trying to thread the needle of not giving up and not giving in. The only way out is to wonder, to smile, to breathe.. to seek, to learn.. to love and be brutally fucking honest. Take the line from the song “I will survive”. I’d like to identify less with “survive” and embrace the reason I survived at all is because “I will”. I will overcome, I will thrive, I will love, I will create, I will express, I will succeed, I WILL.